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March 13 2019

smallfllatfullofplants:

hauntified:

petalya:

petalya:

in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y'all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!

With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?

ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”

vs.

“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.

This FUCKED relationships up too because once this hit me, I realized people can just be in love with the way you make them feel instead of who you actually are. ALWAYS pay attention to the last little “vs” but there because it IS super telling

well shit this just hit me

March 08 2019

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friendlytroll:

incurablenecromantic:

Sometimes people like to write things about florist’s shops.  Here are two things you need to know, the most egregiously wrong things.

1. It makes no fucking sense to sketch out a bouquet before you make it.  Every individual flower is different in a way that cannot really be adjusted the way other building materials can be adjusted, and each individual bouquet is unique.  Just put the fucking flowers together.

2. No one — in months and months of working at the flower shop — has ever cared what the flower/color of the flower means.  No one’s ever asked.  It’s just not something people tend to care about outside of fiction and it’s certainly not something most florists know.  You know what florists know?  What looks good and is thematically appropriate.

Here’s an actual list of the symbology of flowers, as professionals use it:

Yellow – for friends, hospitals
Pink – girls, girlfriends, babies, bridesmaids
Red – love
Purple – queens
White – marriage and death (DO NOT SEND TO HOSPITALS)
Pink and purple – ur mum
Red, orange, and yellow – ur mum if she’s stylish
Red, yellow, blue – dudes and small children
Blue and white – rare, probably a wedding
Red and white – love for fancy bitches

Here are what the flowers actually mean to a florist:

The Fill It Out flowers:

Carnations – fuck u these are meaningless filler-flowers, not even your administrative assistant likes them, show some creativity
Alstroemeria – by and large very similar to carnations but I like them better
Tea roses – cute and lil and come several to a stalk, a classy filler flower
Moluccella laevis – filler flower but CHOICE
Delphinium – not as interesting as moluccella but purple so okay I guess
Blue thistle – FUCK YEAH, some fucking textural variety at last!  you’re getting this for a dude, aren’t you?
Chrysanthemums – barely better than carnations but better is still better
Gladiolus – ooh, risky business, someone understands the use of the Y-axis, very good

Focal points:

Long-stem roses – yeah whatever
Lilies – LBD, looks good with everything, get used as often as possible
Hydrangeas – thirsty fuckers, divas of the flower world and rightly so, treat them right and they make you look good
Gerbera daisies – the rose’s hippie cousin, hotter but no one admits it
Peonies – CHA-CHING, everybody’s absolute favorite but you need guap
Orchids – if this isn’t for a wedding you’re probably trying too hard but they’re expensive so keep ordering them

You know what matters?  THE CUSTOMER’S BUDGET.  THAT’S TELLING.

-$20 – if you’re not under 12, fuck off, get your sugar something else
$30 – good for bouquets but an arrangement will be lame
$40 – getting there, there’s something that can be done with that.  you can get some gerbs or roses with that and not have them look stupidly solo.
$50 to $70 – tolerable
$80 – FINALLY.  It sounds elitist but this really is the basic amount of money you should expect to spend on an arrangement that matters.  That’s your Mother’s Day arrangement.  You’re probably not going to spend $80 on a bouquet.
$90 to $130 – THE GOOD SHIT, you’re likely to get some orchids
$130+  – Weddings and death.  This amount of money gets you a memorial arrangement or a handmade bridal bouquet.  Don’t spend this on a Mother’s Day or a Babe I Love You arrangement, buy whosits a massage or something.

Miscellaneous:

  • Everything needs greening and if you don’t think that you’re an idiot. 
  • As a new employee, when you start making arrangements, you can’t see the mistakes you’re making because you’re brand new and you’re learning an art form from the ground up.
  • With a few exceptions customers don’t have a clear plan in mind.  They want you to develop the bouquet for them.  They want something that will delight their little sweetbread but you’re lucky if they know that person’s favorite color, let alone flower.
  • Flower shops don’t typically have every kind of flower in every kind of color.  Customers generally aren’t assed about that.  Most people don’t care about the precise shade of the rose or having daffodils in July, because they’re not boning up on flower language before they buy.  That would imply that they’ve got a clear bouquet in mind and, again, they don’t.
  • Being a florist is essentially a lot like what I imagine being a mortician is about.  You’re basically keeping dead things looking good for as long as possible.  You keep the product in the fridge so it doesn’t rot and look horrible by the time the family gets a whack at it, and in the meanwhile you put it in a nice container.

Anyway that’s flowers.

this is magnificent and I love hearing about ppl job feilds

March 01 2019

oldearthmapping:

genquerdeer:

paper-mario-wiki:

paper-mario-wiki:

fooliofailure:

paper-mario-wiki:

there should be a tax that youtubers pay where 1.5% of all of their revenue goes back to Kevin Macleod for basically supplying YouTube with it’s own soundtrack.

who is this man and what music did he make???

if you hear a royalty free song on youtube, there’s approximately an 80% chance Kevin Macleod wrote it.

here’s some you’ve almost definitely heard:

for those wondering, yes, he also made THE generic royalty free song that was EVERYWHERE in 2014.

He has a Patreon!

And he doesn’t even make a 1000$ per month!

also, his site incompetech.com also has graph paper generators, if you’re in need of that. It has any kind of graph paper - INCLUDING hex paper, you tabletop gamers out there! (or knitting paper if you’re into that)

An absolute legend. And also the one behind most of that massive amount of music available on Roll20 to play during your games

February 25 2019

callmebliss:

elgalloguapo:

wildandwhirlingwords:

phuk-ewe:

chibigikochin:

captainlordauditor:

coolnpc:

sazandorable:

tsunflowers:

also I learned about this project called “queering the map.” the idea is that in the past gay neighborhoods and gay spaces were very clearly defined bc it just wasn’t safe to be yourself anywhere else. as lgbt+ people become more visible and accepted many feel that we are losing our connection to those spaces

so every dot on this map is basically someone’s queer experience: coming out, meeting their future wife, seeing another gay man in public for the first time, anything you can think of that truly left a mark on them

it started in Montreal and is primarily English-language with most pins dropped in the US, Canada, and Europe, but there are people all over the world who’ve shared their experiences. it’s great to look at places near you but it’s also great to see that even people in places you thought were the middle of nowhere are happy with themselves and finding community and living their lives

It’s here and it’s SO SWEET?? Just clicking around it’s very personal stories, in first person and a lot of them addressed to a specific “you”, and sooo many in extremely poetic language. It feels like an art installation and it’s so beautiful. ;W; Thanks for sharing!!!

… there’s also a lot of really silly ones (like gay sharks in the middle of the ocean)

I looked at Jerusalem and immediately found two favorites for entirely different reasons.

Things I found from the queer community of japan:


It’s no secret to the Japanese that Shinjuku nichome is the gay district of Tokyo but about half the pins left there are for the same club in that area named gold finger. Definitely a place to check out if you’re looking to get involved in the Japanese queer community for whatever reason, it seems.

I have a sneaking suspicion this submission is a haiku when written in Japanese…


This guy got the scenic view I guess



Is this how people feel while reading deep romantic poetry because wow I’m moved.



Honestly the best feeling is learning we’re not as alone as we’ve been led to believe



These are all super poetic oml I appreciate every single one of them

There are none in my town. Guess I’ll be the first

I went to my old, STAUNCHLY conservative town and saw “There are a lot more of us here than most would think, past and present” and I nearly cried

@kohigh @rosamage

I added the first pin in my hometown. I hope others discover it and add too.

February 24 2019

skeetskeetwithdaparakeet:

sympathetic-deceit-trash:

lucifer-in-my-head:

royallyroman:

twink-john:

mean-bean-machines:

cherrywolowus:

Everybody talks about Jenna Marbles but how long are we gonna keep ignoring this god

imageimageimageimageimageimage

‘how are we gonna keep ignoring this god’ *doesn’t name the channel and crops the name out in every single pic*

Macdoesit

Macdoesit is gay jesus

MacDoesIt is the gay icon we need

Yeah! I love Mac!!

MAC!

February 21 2019

resources for discovering lgbt cinema

hayaomiyazaki:

there are a lot of you damn gays out there — that will be the one thing i ever take away from being on this terriblé website, and i’m grateful to know it — and all of you & more are always wondering how to go about discovering lgbt cinema to watch, whether you’re starting from the bottom or you’re already past the “classics” google always regurgitates over and over. that’s why i want to talk about some resources you can use to learn about lgbt films new and old and national and international and good and bad and healthy and problematic — because lgbt cinema is varied and goes all the way back to silent film, and that’s the truest thing you should take away from this experience: people will tell you lgbt cinema is only finding its voice in recent years, but that is not the case; lgbt creatives have always had voices, just not the opportunities to use them. so let’s celebrate them!

note: lgbt cinema is not always explicit melodrama. a lot — no, most, considering the entire history of cinema — of lgbt narratives are subtextual and/or coded. if you prefer stories like, say, brokeback mountain, in which the explicit physicality of their relationship is an active and essential part of the narrative — its foundation, its romance, its tragedy — i am not judging you whatsoever. we all like to see ourselves onscreen, and that includes the nsfw moments. but you have to understand coming into the history of film, which is over a hundred years old, that this can feel rare and far between in the years before, say, 1990. in a similar vein, a majority (as in, more than half) of lgbt cinema is “problematic” — sometimes to a startling degree. spatio-temporal context is important when we’re considering any film, but this does not necessarily excuse them. your relationship with each and every film is personal, but please be warned !

one of my all-time favourite resources for today’s films (which i believe is relevant to a lot of you who prefer contemporary technique and performance-driven narratives):

though i don’t consider wikipedia particularly reliable, here are some mildly useful wiki links:

  • master list of lgbt films with wikipedia pages
  • (the general wikipedia lgbt portal can be found here)

    my favourite master list, though, exists on mubi. i know a lot of cinephile types go hard for letterboxd, but imo mubi is more organised and live streams art cinema all day for free (they have a streaming service you can pay for but you don’t have to do so to have an account and use the site functions). users can create lists, and here are a couple i reference a lot:

    another thing i love about mubi is that it often has a reliable “related films” section of a film’s page. for example, i recently watched wild reeds, a gay film by andré téchiné, and when i scroll down to the bottom of its mubi page i can see “related” titles, which appear to be other téchiné titles, lgbt french films, and international coming-of-age romances. they’re not always related by genre (like lgbt), but i’ve found more than one film i want to watch by going to the pages of films i love and checking this feature out !

    anyways, back to lists: one of my favourite resources in the natural world is bfi(; this is partly because i studied british cinema, so i am biased, but this does not mean all of their recommendations are british films, even if this is what they are most well-versed in). they create fantastic, dynamic lists that are not “best of,” but instead “hey here’s 10 great films,” and i appreciate that so much because trying to quantify all of cinema into some kind of categorical end-all, be-all list is 1) reductive 2) the kind of academic practice that crushes passion and awe 3 if philippe garrel says don’t do it then don’t do it!!! bfi has quite a few lgbt lists with tons of hidden treasure films:

    (you can look through their general lists here)

    as well, here are miscellaneous resources you can consider:

  • lgbt celebs discuss their favourite lgbt films
  • lgbt celebs & artists champion queer works that are special to them
  • list of nearly every many canon lgbt couples from the history of television (or, at least, english-language television)
  • breaking news, lists, and reviews at: the advocate / afterellen
  • lgbt films on: bfi playernetflix / hulu / bbc three iplayer / logo / prime video / roku
  • and finally here are a few resources from my own blog in case they are useful to you!

    1892 5737 500

    kitagawasyusuke:

    Yusuke Kitagawa -  喜多川 祐介
    Code name: Fox

    February 20 2019

    gaymilesedgeworth:

    beeslcnees:

    gaymilesedgeworth:

    irlanakinskywalker:

    gaymilesedgeworth:

    irlanakinskywalker:

    gaymilesedgeworth:

    gaymilesedgeworth:

    i know i never talk about this but i’m completely obsessed with that one bizarre One Direc/tion conspiracy theory. you know the one

    i have never cared about One Di/rection in any way but it’s just. so fucking funny jaslfdasdf??? that’s something a significant number of real human beings actually believe 

    image

    HAHA OKAY SO 

    a large number of One Direction fans real person shipped Louis Tomlinson with Harry Styles and then began to earnestly believe that they were in a secret relationship. clandestine love. very romantic stuff

    unfortunately, as you may know, Louis Tomlinson hooked up with a girl and accidentally got her pregnant 

    not to be deterred by this, the shippers’ narrative became that the pregnancy was fake and just a publicity stunt. then it became that the baby in the pictures was just a doll. now i think it’s that the baby is either an actor just being used for pictures, or that it just belongs to someone else

    why would Louis Tomlinson do this? well, obviously, it’s that Simon Cowell, who owns the record label that One Direction signed with, is EVILLY and CRUELLY forcing him and his entire family to maintain this illusion as part of a contractual obligation, and he’s maintaining total media control to keep the secret from getting out. 

    either this is because Cowell feels the record label would be harmed by One Direction members being gay, or it’s because he’s punishing Louis Tomlinson for, uh…..something, i guess

    naturally it follows that the mother of the fake baby is just an evil gold-digging bitch who is trying to ruin Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles’s lives, and she can be harassed with impunity

    Louis Tomlinson is of course very grateful to these One Direction fans for scrutinizing his entire life and harassing the mother of his child (as well as his new girlfriend), and is secretly communicating to them via pictures and his social media. any time he or Harry Styles wear blue or green, it’s to express their True Love for each other, because those are their eye colors

    also, any time Louis Tomlinson posts a selfie of himself, it’s really to tell the True Believers that (((Simon Cowell))) will be releasing new media lies to make the baby or Louis Tomlinson’s apparent heterosexuality seem real. i’m not making this up

    bonus: 

    • Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles haven’t been in the same room as each other for like, at least a year?
    • one of the other band members’ girlfriends got pregnant and apparently that’s a fake publicity stunt baby, too 

    THIS IS REAL AND THEY CALL IT B/A/BY/GATE

    Do you know about Tina?

    i don’t and i’m begging you to tell me 

    Ok so basically Larry shippers were convinced that Louis’s ex Eleanor was hired to fake date him and their proof of this was that she looked different in some pics which is when they came up with “Tina” who was supposedly her twin who was also hired bc that makes sense ??? Anyway here’s a vid on it and it’s my favorite thing ever https://youtu.be/NCT1ik8AanY

    i’m only a minute into this and i can already tell that i’m obsessed with it

    my favorite part is either the dramatic music or the fact that it starts out with basically the same concept as the Bigger Luke Theory 

    WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE BIGGER LUKE THEORY???

    I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

    February 18 2019

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    imaginesofeveryfandom:

    lah-disputes:

    I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you!

    Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

    ————————————————————————————-

    Distractions;

    Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

    Sleep issues; 

     

    Uncomfortable with silence; 

    Anxiety; 


    Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 


    Isolation and loneliness; 

     

    Self-harm;


    Addiction; 

     

    Eating disorders; 

     

    Dealing with self-hatred;  

     

    Suicidal; 

     

    Schizophrenia;


    OCD;


    Borderline personality disorder; 

    Abuse; 

     

    Bullying;

     

    Loss and grief; 

    (Other loss and grief)

     

    Getting help; 


    Things you need to remember; 

    • - Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.
    • -Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 
    • - This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 
    • -You are not alone. 
    • -You are enough. 
    • -You are important. 
    • -You are worth it. 
    • -You are strong. 
    • -You are not a failure, 
    • -Good people exist. 
    • -Reaching out shows strength. 
    • -Breathe. 
    • -Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 
    • -Give yourself credit. 
    • -Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 
    • -Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 
    • -Focus on the things you can change. 
    • -Let go of toxic people. 
    • -You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 
    • -Try not to beat yourself up. 
    • -Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 
    • -You are not a bother.
    • -Your existence is more than your appearance. 
    • -You are smart. 
    • -You are loved. 
    • -You are wanted. 
    • -You are needed. 
    • -Better days are coming. 
    • -Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 
    • -You have more potential than you think. 
    • - Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.


    Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

     

    Because I know the vast majority of my followers need to be reminded of how amazing they are and also are struggling with their own issues and I think this might help x

    February 14 2019

    veta-lopis:

    “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. I can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. It’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny machine we asked to explore the stars for us.

    February 12 2019

    February 03 2019

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    botanyshitposts:

    footage of my moss ball herd in 2043 about to smash the aquarium glass with the intent of devouring a small child 

    thegirlwiththemooglehat:

    thegirlwiththemooglehat:

    thegirlwiththemooglehat:

    as it turns out, i cannot read lgbt+ comics if they aren’t just queer escapism

    i’m sure this story about a girl coming to realize she likes girls is super sweet, this comic about a queer relationship being forced apart by society is probably accurate.

    I’m sorry, if it doesn’t have aliens, monsters, or futuristic technology what’s the fucking point

    incidentally, if you want some recommendations i got some

    Alright, I just got done my errands and shit, let’s do this. Fair warning, my taste is kinda… eclectic, so these are a little all over the place. Also, these are all indie, since I’m not really big on superhero comics. Also these are all print comics, no webcomics.

    Motor Crush

    Set in a futuristic city whose main sport is motorcycle racing, Domino Swift is an upcoming racer in the Grand Prix, as well as racing in underground mad-max no-holds-barred races to win a mysterious machine drug called Crush. When shit hits the fan, she calls on Lola, the best mechanic in the city and also her ex-girlfriend, for help. It’s really good sci-fi, the art’s gorgeous, and story takes some wild ass turns. Also, there’s no homophobia present in the story, at all. I don’t think Domino and Lola are even remarked on. Fair warning, it can get pretty violent at times and there’s a fair bit of gore and death, but neither leads die. There’s two trades out right now, and I think it’s on hiatus.

    Moonstruck

    Super sweet urban fantasy abt supernatural creatures living among humans. The main love interests are two lady werewolves, there’s a genderqueer centaur (who is honestly my favourite character), the main characters work at a coffee shop, and it’s all cute as hell. There is conflict, yeah, but again, no homophobia. Julie, the main character, is conflicted about her werewolfishness, not about being gay. It’s refreshing. The second trade is coming out next month, February.

    The Wicked and The Divine

    If you followed me like three-ish months ago, you probably remember me yelling about this. The basic story is, every ninety years gods from various pantheons reincarnate for two years. After the two years are up, they die. The gods are basically pop stars. The story starts with Laura, the main character, going to an Amaterasu concert and being invited backstage by Lucifer and after shit goes haywire, has to prove Lucifer is innocent of a murder she didn’t commit.

    The story goes a lot of places, and can get pretty heavy. It can get a bit gory, and is pretty full of character death, and yeah, queer characters die. However, that’s hard to avoid when 95% of the cast is queer in some way, shape, or form. Seriously, most of the characters. One of the main characters present from the start, Cassandra, is an asian trans woman. Dionysus is ace. There’s gay characters, lesbian characters, bi and pan characters, a trans character, an ace character, a nonbinary character, and also fucking Woden. I don’t remember if there’s any homophobia towards anyone, but there is some transphobic shit towards another character, Cassandra. It does get apologized for, and Cassandra still tells that character to fuck off. The story’s good, the characters are all complex and matter to the story, the art’s great, the gods are pulled from all different canons, not just greek/norse. It’s on it’s final arc now. 

    Clean Room

    A reporter, Chloe, goes to infiltrate a strange scientology-esque doomsday cult run by Astrid Mueller after her fiance dies, and gets invited to experience a run of the Clean Room, a mysterious machine that lets you go back in someone’s memory. Chloe gets pulled into preventing an alien apocalypse.

    Alright, this rec comes with so many asterisks. This story gets super heavy, and there’s a shitload of touchy themes and stuff I gotta trigger warn for. There’s a LOT of gore and blood. Lots of death. Suicide comes up a ton, characters who have committed suicide appear as ghosts in all their gory glory. I mean, suicide is two of the main catalysts for the story. Do not read if you are freaked out by suicide. Also, a lot of body horror. A LOT. Again, avoid if you are not down with body horror. Seriously, so so SO much. I tried to read it on the bus and regretted it almost immediately. There’s some nudity, but I mean, compared to everything else it’s v tame. Also mentions of sexual assault and the like. 

    The cool part, though, is that it’s pretty gay. Three of the supporting characters are gay, although two of them are much more prominent in the story. The prominent two are both former special forces, and get to kick some serious alien ass. And the nice thing is, in this bleak story full of death, none of the gay characters die. Also, an alien gets the shit beat out of him by rednecks after threatening the gay guy’s boyfriend, and it’s so satisfying. The main character is also implied to be bi. The story’s decent but dark, the floridian redneck brothers are my favourites, and it pulls off cosmic horror pretty well. 

    Paper Girls

    Four girls doing their paper route the morning after Halloween 1988 get pulled into a strange time travel adventure after monsters and dinosaurs and people speaking a strange language show up.

    Alright, this one’s got a bit of homophobia, one of the four paper girls turns out to be a closeted lesbian and realizes she has a crush on one of the others, who is pretty homophobic. The homophobic one gets over it, tho. The story’s cool, with a lot of weird twists and turns. 

    @sandavier @excess-of-cervidae @noivert

    January 29 2019

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    inlovewithaleheather:

    thecuckoohaslanded:

    gerbthenerd:

    alexander-lamington:

    thelizardprincess:

    biglawbear:

    blacksirencry:

    swaglexander-the-great:

    #That’s a#That’s a blue ringed octopus#You’re going to die do you realise that#It is literally one of the most deadly animals in the world#Not just in Australia or just in the ocean in THE WORLD#Put it DOWN#And go to a hospital jfc via platonic-rabbit 

    me tryna find out if this fool died

    image

    “The blue-ringed octopus, despite its small size, carries enough venom to kill twenty-six adult humans within minutes. Their bites are tiny and often painless, with many victims not realizing they have been envenomated until respiratory depression and paralysis start to set in.[8] No blue-ringed octopus antivenom is available yet, making it one of the deadliest reef inhabitants in the ocean.”

    Holy shit

    And this is why I don’t go in the ocean anymore

    Also the blue rings literally only show up when it is distressed so this person has angered it!!! You are in danger friend!!!

    Actually this guy keeps them as pets they’re on his instagram (william_exotique) and he frequently holds then and I just? Don’t know why? And also every picture or video he posts of them shows the blue rings so they’re always in distress I just do not understand why he’s doing this

    #AMY EXPLAIN HOW DUMB THIS GUY IS 

    I mean OP pretty much covered it.  A blue ringed octopus is almost on the level of CONE SNAIL on the list of things you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PICK UP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

    But ask and you shall receive,  On this episode of “Fun Facts With Cuckoo,” DEAD.  YOU’RE DEAD.  EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND YOU SHOULD NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING IN THE OCEAN EVER AGAIN.

    There are many things that will kill you. [citation needed]

    There are fewer, but still many things that will kill you FAST.

    There are yet fewer things that kill you fast and by such an overwhelming margin of overkill that nervous laughter is our only solace in the dark of this terrible, surprisingly Lovecraftian world of unearthly horrors that we live in.

    Of the things that I know about which will kill you fast via just plain insultingly potent venom, which is a not insignificant number of things because I know a not insignificant number of things, there are about 3 things in the ocean – IN THE WHOLE OCEAN – which are so insanely, mind-bogglingly deadly that there is pretty much no possible hope for survival (I mean you CAN, but god help you if you’re ever in that situation, because god’s just about damn near the only thing that CAN help you).  THE. WHOLE. OCEAN.

    Those three things are the Irukandji (a tiny (1cm) species of box jellyfish, which has stingers not only on its tentacles but on its BELL, for reasons no one has definitively figured out, and is so toxic despite its size its sting can cause a severe brain hemorrhage), the cone snail (a group of carnivorous sea snails that is accepted to be the most venomous animals on earth, with a STUPIDLY fast acting and extremely powerful neurotoxin that has in at least one case killed a human ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY, because the swimmer who found two beautiful shells (unfortunately cone snails tend to have very pretty shells which makes people want to pick them up) was holding them up for a picture and ended up being stabbed in the neck by not one but TWO cone snails at the same time, and it is believed that she was literally dead before she hit the ground, I mean LITERALLY in a 100% non-fictional and non-exaggerated way, in between the time the two cone snails stabbed her and the time her limp body hit the sand, she was not alive anymore), and the blue ringed octopus.

    It is POSSIBLE to survive any of these.  But not without immediate medical attention.  Of these three, the Irukandji is by far the most treatable, because Australia and other coastal regions (including Florida and other parts of the US) are kind of experienced in dealing with box jellyfish.

    The blue ringed octopus will fucking kill you.  There’s no antidote for their venom, ONE COMPONENT OF WHICH (tetrodotoxin) is 1200 times deadlier than cyanide.  It’s a powerful neurotoxin (most of the worst venoms are because the species that produce them need to kill or at least paralyze their prey quickly, like jellyfish whose fragile tentacles could be damaged if their food doesn’t stop struggling) that attacks the sodium channels and causes muscle paralysis.  It doesn’t necessarily kill you quickly.  It PARALYZES you quickly, so that you can’t really call for help or describe the problem, and you will probably end up slowly suffocating from a paralyzed diaphragm.  Tetrodotoxin can be metabolized by the body in a matter of hours, but it can also kill you in a matter of minutes if you get a lethal dose (which isn’t much, the LD50 or median lethal dose, the dose at which you have a 50% chance of survival, is only 8 MICROGRAMS per kilogram of body weight (as tested in mice)).  This is, by venom standards, not a large amount, which means the animal that is capable of putting this venom inside your body is very very good at killing the absolute shit out of you.

    DON’T TOUCH THE BLUE RINGED OCTOPUS.

    Now, because overkill is my motto, let me briefly explain why Conus geographus is the undisputed champion of YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE, AND FURTHERMORE FUCK YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE.

    A cone snail walks into a bar.  You’d expect the bartender to ask, “what’s your poison,” but they were paralyzed before they could ask and OH LOOK they’re already FUCKING DEAD ON THE GROUND.

    Conus geographus is about 4-6 inches long and nature’s equivalent of Avada Kedavra.  Cone snails literally have their own KIND of toxins named after them: conotoxin.  Not only is there no antidote, but their venom AGGRESSIVELY RESISTS our ability to find a cure, because we barely understand how it works AND conotoxins are so internally varied, even within a single species, that any one antidote isn’t going to help because they’re constantly mutating and evolving their venom to prevent their prey from evolving a resistance to it.  Plus their venom is like, a bunch of different venoms all at once JUST IN CASE any one of them wasn’t good enough.

    I want you to read these two sentences from the wiki page on conotoxin:

    1. “Conotoxins have a variety of mechanisms of actions, most of which have not been determined.”
    2. “The LD50 of conotoxin is 50 ng/kg.”

    Remember how the LD50 of tetrodotoxin is 8μg/kg?  Conotoxin is 160 times more potent.  FIFTY NANOGRAMS PER KILOGRAM HAS A 50% CHANCE OF KILLING YOU. A 220-POUND HUMAN HAS A 50% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL AGAINST JUST 5 MICROGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN.  

    I DID SOME MATH.  

    IT WOULD TAKE 7-9 MILLIGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN TO KILL A BLUE WHALE, THE HEAVIEST ANIMAL TO EVER LIVE. (based on weight estimates from 300-400,000 lbs.)

    Conus geographus is so fucking deadly that “In two cases of envenomation, only 0.0002-0.0005 mg resulted in severe paralysis.”

    THIS THING KILLS STUFF SO HARD THAT BEFORE YOU HEAR THE FIRST “MORTAL KOMBAT” IN THE MORTAL KOMBAT THEME, THERE’S PROBABLY ALREADY BEEN A FATALITY.

    And guess what?  Cone snails don’t do that NOOB SHIT with the superficial biting or stinging.  Your wetsuit or gloves won’t protect you.  Because homeboy didn’t bring teeth to evolution’s knife fight.  Oh no.  It brought a motherfucking radula POISON HARPOON.  It’s lightning fast and has way more piercing power than some silly little cnidocytes or salivary bacteria.

    Another component of their venom is being researched for its potential as a pain reliever.  “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????” you might reasonably ask.  And you would be right to do so, because science has gone too far and has surely sinned against the very image of Mollusca Kedavra.  Well, it turns out the answer is “Research shows that certain component proteins of the venom target specific human pain receptors and can be up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine without morphine’s addictive properties and side-effects.”  That’s right, the part of their venom that SPECIFICALLY DOESN’T HURT YOU is up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine.

    Also, Conus geographus (along with one other cone snail species, C. tulipa) is the only known non-human animal to weaponize insulin.  In addition to the normal insulin that the snails produce for their own use, their bodies manufacture an ADDITIONAL insulin molecule that is similar to the kind produced in fish (which they eat) for the sole purpose of stunning their prey through hypoglycemic shock.  BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY DON’T FEEL LIKE THEY’D KILL YOU HARD ENOUGH OTHERWISE.

    IF you are going to survive the ALMIGHTY CONE SNAIL, WHO KNOWS NO FEAR, TRIUMPHANT HEDGEMON OF THE MOLECULAR ARMS RACE, TRUE BORN HEIR TO THE SCYTHE OF DEATH ITSELF, FISHSLAYER, GOD AMONG MOLLUSKS, WHOSE WRATH IS MERCIFUL ONLY IN ITS BREVITY, ADMIRABLE IN ITS BEAUTY AND UNSULLIED BY THE UNWORTHY TOUCH OF MORTAL HANDS OR SCALES OR REALLY ANYTHING IN RANGE OF ITS RADULA HARPOON, then literally the only thing that’s going to save you is for you to be kept alive artificially (externalizing your respiratory functions to force your body to continue breathing, basically) until the effects of the venom wear off.  And because of how quickly this venom acts, you need to get that medical attention VERY, VERY FAST.

    And if you don’t get it, you will still be conscious while the paralysis slowly suffocates you to death.

    Don’t touch the pretty shells.

    I’ve never been so intrigued to learn how easily I could be fucking exterminated from existence by the overpowered sea creatures of the world. You’ve done a better job at keeping my attention then any of my teachers ever have.

    December 30 2018

    December 28 2018

    December 23 2018

    1896 a988 500

    sakakikaga:

    You don’t have to be like Rose Quartz.
    You can be someone even better!

    1897 5ba9

    iantojonesthebetta:

    lancrebitch:

    thearcanetheory:

    fuckingrecipes:

    DO YOU HAVE COMPANY COMING OVER, BUT YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE SMOKE OR YOUR MOLD EXPERIMENTS OR CAT PISS OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?


    WELL SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME BRILLIANT, BECAUSE THIS SHIT ISN’T EDIBLE, BUT IT’LL MAKE YOUR HOUSE SMELL LIKE A GODDAMN CHURCH CHOIR SINGING HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH IN YOUR NASAL PASSAGE! (YOU SHOULD GET RID OF WHATEVER’S STINKING UP YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE AS WELL, MORON)

    RUN YOUR CLASSY ASS OVER TO THE STORE AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE PREPARED FOR THE MIND-FUCK OF THIS SHIT. YOU’LL WANT  1 ORANGE, A SMALL BAG OF CRANBERRIES, 3 CINNAMON STICKS, GROUND CLOVES, NUTMEG, 2 LEMONS, ROSEMARY AND VANILLA.

    THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS OF THIS THAT YOU CAN COOK, BECAUSE CLASSY-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS NEED VARIETIES IN THEIR LIFE!
    THE FIRST IS ‘CHRISTMAS’ AND THE SECOND DOESN’T HAVE A DAMN NAME, BUT IT’S FUCKING WONDERFUL.


    ONLY HAVE ONE POT OF THIS SHIT GOING, IT’S CRAZY POWERFUL.


    “CHRISTMAS”
    CHOP UP THE ORANGE, SKIN AND ALL, BECAUSE YOU DON’T JOKE AROUND WITH THIS SORT OF SHIT.
    USE YOUR WARRIOR STRENGTH TO BREAK THE CINNAMON STICKS IN HALF, LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF SNAPPING THE FEMURS OF DRAGONS BEFORE YOU SUCKED THE MARROW OUT. image
    THROW THE ORANGE AND CINNAMON STICK PIECES INTO THE POT, OR IF YOU’RE NOT CONFIDENT WITH YOUR AIM, YOU CAN SET THEM GENTLY INSIDE. SHOVE A SMALL SPOONFUL OF NUTMEG AND A SMALL SPOONFUL OF CLOVES INTO THE POT.

    THEN FILL THAT FUCKER UP WITH WATER UNTIL THERE’S ONLY AN INCH OF LEEWAY BETWEEN THE WATER AND EDGE, BECAUSE YOU’RE A DAREDEVIL MOTHERFUCKER. image

    NOW SET YOUR STOVE TO A LOW-MEDIUM SETTING, AND LEAVE IT SITTING THERE TO MARINATE IN IT’S OWN QUIET ACCEPTANCE OF DEATH. DON’T COVER THIS FUCKER, BECAUSE THE SMELL OF IT IS GOING TO INVADE YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN HOUSE.

    THAT WHICH WILL NOT BE NAMED

    THE OTHER VERSION OF BOILING POTPOURRI  ONLY HAS LEMONS, ROSEMARY SPRIGS AND VANILLA.


    RIP THE LEMON INTO CHUNKS WHILE SOLVING THREE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES IN YOUR HEAD AND YELLING AT YOUR FLATMATE TO LEAVE YOUR OTHER EXPERIMENTS ALONE, THEN BE A CHAMPION BY NOT USING A MEASURING TOOL WHEN SPLASHING 1 TABLESPOON OF VANILLA INTO THE POT.

    TOSS IN THE ROSEMARY SPRIGS AFTER YOU’VE STARED THEM INTO SUBMISSION.
    image
    FILL THAT SUCKER WITH WATER AND PUT IT ON THE HEAT.  


    YOU LEAVE IT ON FOR 2 HOURS AT THE START OF THE DAY, THEN TURN IT ON AGAIN AN HOUR BEFORE GUESTS GET TO YOUR HOME AND LEAVE IT ON ALL EVENING.
    TAKE A WHIFF UP CLOSE EVERY FEW HOURS, BECAUSE THE FRUIT WILL START TO SMELL WEIRD AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THAT’S WHEN YOU TURN IT OFF.

    WHEN YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE THEY’LL HAVE TO STEP BACK AND EXCLAIM “HOLY MOTHERFUCKING TITS, THIS IS ONE CLASSY HOME”

    Not gonna lie, I’m mostly reblogging this because reading it is so thoroughly enjoyable.

    I really love aggressive recipes

    I use that Christmas one a lot, and love it! It doesn’t mention how much cranberries, though – I just throw in two big handfuls. Also, you can just replace the water that’s been boiled off and throw the pot in the fridge so you can reuse it for a few days.

    Also, I’m impatient and I bring the mixture to a boil then let it simmer. It punches up the spices.

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